Monday, October 15, 2012

A Journey from Negativity to Positivity.

This is my second time attempting to completely reverse myself from pits of negativity to the beautiful positivity, and it worked..

Generally when I start feeling negative (whoa... humans are a shitty species) I just accept it as being some kind of absolute knowledge - that what I'm seeing is the truth, and happiness is just a veil I get to choose to put on. Last night I watched "Seven Psycopaths" (weird / funny movie), but there is a very epic scene in the end about self-immolation by a monk. I've never cried in theatres before, but I did here. It's so beyond human thinking that a monk can take his own life by the most intense pain possible. You can imagine, I hope, the impact this is intended to have, and did have. I felt extremely out of my head for about an hour after the movie. I looked at the bags of clothes I had just bought and felt sick, like I was fueling corporate america, being a consumer myself. I wish I had bought my clothes from a second hand store. Although this may be true, our perceptions are our choice.

Driving through my neighborhood, I could overlook the expanse that was once only desert - now completely covered in mercury lights, the yellow glow of human dominance. Paved streets over unique plants and ecosystems. Buildings blocking the views of the naturally formed hills and mountains. Trees watered at the expense of... it goes on and on.

I didn't want to see this anymore. I understood it well enough, and understanding is all that is needed. Negativity is useful to a new perception, or new understanding - learning something is negative is part of life. It shapes our morals, our ethics, and our paradigms, but constantly living in negativity weakens the body and mind. Ambition slows and one can become stagnant with fear and apathy. I needed to control this.

I got home and I tried to imagine goodness. I tried to imagine what way of life would make me happy - I tried to imagine a way of life that is absolutely good. Nothing was able to make me happy. Being a community living, in a tree-hut seems so great when I'm happy. I love the image of living under large trees, covered by green, in harmony with nature, not defensive against it.

But this negativity prevailed. I stayed negative even here, and what usually lightened my mood didn't - and I realized this negativity isn't real. It's simply a veil covering everything. This wasn't some new found knowledge, or some grand omnipotence, it was an overload of negative perception and I had control.

I sat in bed and I started breathing. I first separate myself from all emotion. I blank the mind, as meditation is usually aimed to do. Then I begin positivity. I begin to search for any feeling that would make me happy, that makes me smile. I imagined light in my chest, at the bottom of my lungs begin to radiate out. Every breath I took would increase the warmth. Every inhale would be a rush of goodness, of smiles. Soon I was grinning from ear to ear, and holding back laughter from escaping my mouth. Imagine seeing a man meditating and start laughing uncontrollably - here I was. Giggling, in a state of mind so great. Life became radiant - the previous hour seemed like years ago, and all I had to do to stay here was stay here. It can be, often, that after positivity is reached, the mind says "But wait, you could still feel negative, remember?" and a relapse happens. Simply ignore, and move forward.

If I can do it from the depths of pure negativity, anyone can.

If you're feeling bad, you need to be able to realize you can feel good. You have the choice. I promise.

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